Like death and taxes, grief is a universal experience for all of us. Maybe we wish that weren’t the case, that we could instead be free of worry, care, concern, and pain throughout our lives. But we all know that’s not the case, and it’s not possible. Even the most privileged in society experience grief. It could come from:
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death,
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divorce (or loss of any romantic relationship),
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changes in our physical, emotional, and mental well-being,
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the death of a pet,
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even significant accomplishments like graduation,
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retirement,
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even the birth of a child.
Again, what is grief?
As I’ve discussed elsewhere:
1. Grief is the normal and natural emotional reaction to loss of any kind.
2. Another definition of grief is the conflicting feelings caused by the end of or change in a familiar pattern of behavior.
What do we teach our children about dealing with loss and disappointment?
There are (at least) six myths about grief:
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Don't feel bad
When we experience a major disappointment at work, or our child doesn’t get admitted to the college or school program of their choice, we often respond in an intellectual way. We might say, I’m the boss or parent, I can’t allow myself to feel the pain. Or, “that school just doesn’t understand you.” Or, there are more fish in the sea. We can think that it’s not acceptable to acknowledge, express, or even feel any pain.
We might even say, well, my loss isn’t as bad as someone else’s. So it’s not fair for me to feel bad.
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Replace the loss
When the pet fish, cat, or dog dies, how quickly do we go adopt a new pet? It’s not that there’s anything wrong with getting a new pet. But the problem comes if we do so with the expectation that we won’t feel the pain of losing that special family member. I wrote an entire post on this topic.
This is even more important in romantic relationships. Finding a new love without first dealing with the relationship baggage from your previous one can harm the next one.
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Grieve alone
You’ve heard the old saying: “Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, weep and you…”. You know the ending: “you weep alone”. It’s another way of communicating to another person that we don’t want them around if they’re going to grieve.
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Time heals all wounds/Just give it time
Time doesn’t heal grief. On the contrary, the pain can actually worsen over time because there is an expectation that things will get better. We can think, it’s been 2 years or 5 years since my loved one died. Shouldn’t I feel better? Shouldn’t I be over it? Waiting doesn’t repair a flat tire, and it won’t heal a broken heart.
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I must be strong for others
We’ve seen it in movies. When the father dies someone comes to the oldest son (who is maybe 12 years old) and says: “you’re the man of the house now.” Implied in this statement is the idea that they’re not allowed to mourn. They have to hold the family together. If you grieve, that going to hurt your mom, your son, or your sister.
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If I keep busy, the pain will go away
When there’s pain from loss, there’s a natural inclination to bury those feelings with something. Often they’re buried with busyness, working long hours, binging on Netflix or social media, eating more, drinking more alcohol, or taking drugs. We might try to cover the pain by diving into exercise, increasing community service, or even religious devotion. Many of these things may not be bad - but if they’re done to run away from pain instead of finding completion, they can prevent us from living a complete and full life.
So What Do We Do Instead?
We need to allow ourselves to feel our feelings. If that means we need to cry, then cry. If we need a listening ear (without a speaking mouth attached) find that confidant.
Here is the advice that Ashley Mielke, the founder of the Grief and Trauma Healing Centre in Edmonton, Alberta gave in her radio spot: We might not want to hear it, but we don’t want to avoid the pain. We invite it in, feel it, and process it.
If we don’t have the tools to do that, we can reach out for support from someone like me, a grief recovery specialist.
Do these myths sound familiar? When have you heard them in your life? I’d love to hear from you in the comments.